I've had quite a bit of time to sit and reflect over the past year. Anyone who talked to me in the past 9 months knows that I was not having the greatest school year. I will admit I struggled more than I ever have with my morale in general. This summer so far has given me time to relax and think about it all.
In one of my classes for my masters program, we watched a movie called "The Emperor's Club." I watched it after having a particularly rough day. I was talking to a friend about how I felt like I failed the entire school year. I never felt good enough or had all the solutions. I felt like a failure. Then we watched this movie the next day in class. It goes through a teacher's school year with a particularly rough student. The teacher at the end of the movie joins the class for their 25th reunion. This student never quite straightened out. The teacher felt like he failed him all those years. However, he comes to learn this: "The worth of a life is not determined by a single failure or a solitary success. My other students taught me that. However much we stumble it is a teacher's burden always to hope that, with learning, a boys character might be changed and so the destiny of a man."
I heard that and felt so much peace. Overall, I came to love my students this year just as much as any other year. Especially the little one I struggled with. While I never quite found the answers he needed for his life, I tried. And I will continue trying next year.
In the movie, the students at their 25th reunion give the teacher a plaque that reads:
"A great teacher has little external history to record. His life goes over into other lives. These men are pillars in the intimate structure of our schools. They are more essential than its stones or beams. They will continue to be a kindling force and a revealing power in our lives."
I hope that as I continue on in my teaching career that I can be that pillar, that kindling force.
Oh Janae, I think every teacher has times like this and they are SO hard! I know you just have to be an amazing teacher, even if at times you feel like you are not! My last semester of teaching at BYU was very difficult, and I left teaching feeling how you described you felt this past school year. I enjoyed teaching university level classes, but sometimes the students were unkind, disrespectful, etc. and I felt like a horrible teacher. Then I learned that enough of my students learned the material well and liked the subject that they went on to the 300-level returned missionary class, and the department started a section just for them. I guess even when it is hard and we feel like failures it is important to see the other kids who are striving to be great, like you mentioned.
ReplyDeleteI loved seeing you the other day at Kohls! I was in the middle of cleaning carpets for the house and we needed a new vacuum (the other one was smoking haha) so please excuse my uh, "laid-back" appearance. I hope you have a good rest of the week!
You were amazing for your "little student." You always held it together (at least in public) when he was at his worst and the other things in your life weren't going so well either. I know Addie, Kiley, and Ashlyn love you and miss you so much. I like to think that we are effecting others along the way more than we realize because our minds are so tied up on that one child. I need to watch this movie.
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